Why is Compromise so Challenging?

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As we watch the political world around us become so polarized that it erupts in violence it is distressing to say the least. With recent events, if you scanned social media you saw calls for calm and unfortunately some calls for retaliation. Many people feel they have to pledge allegiance to a particular camp rather than reach across the divide to share compassion, ideas and solutions. 

Compromising takes courage. It requires everyone involved to recognize that there is honor in knowing when to stand your ground and when to give ground. We think that many people would agree that compromise is essential to problem solving. 

If that is the case, what makes it so hard to accomplish?

Part of the difficulty is the world we find ourselves in. There is no doubt that there is more violence, less trust in institutions and the airwaves are flooded with information, not all of it accurate. This makes it challenging to find a starting point for compromise. If you can’t agree on where to begin, then it can become impossible to find commonality.

Even if these challenges are overcome, we humans still have an essential characteristic that makes this process difficult. For compromise to be effective, we have to be able to hold two truths at the same time. We have to believe that two individuals can hold separate views and there is truth and value in both perspectives. 

Our brain really does not like that. Our brain wants to break things down into black or white, right or wrong. It does not like to mess around with the massive amounts of grey that compromise requires. 

Think about this example from the world of romance: The Infamous Story of Romeo and Juliet. What kept them apart? It was the inability of either of their families, the Montagues or the Capulets, to find a shared understanding. The two main characters are able to see past old rivalries. As Juliet famously points out, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose, by any other word would smell as sweet." While Romeo and Juliet saw a broad pathway to compromise, their families, mired in ancient rivalries, were closed off to any conversation. Seeing no way to bring people to the table, these teenagers relied on subterfuge leading to the tragic ending. 

The grief shared by the Montagues and Capulets became the catalyst that ultimately led to a level of reconciliation. The rivalry in this case clouded thinking and kept each side focused on an “us against them” mentality where they only looked at negative attributes. It was too difficult for them to see the other family in any positive light. Great suffering could have been avoided if each side had focused on the commonalities that bound them. If they could have seen the shared values of having pride in their achievements, loving their children and supporting their extended families, maybe this Shakespearean play would have been a romantic comedy rather than a tragedy.

Compromise begins with the ability to stay open and curious about contradictory views so that productive discussions can take place. Discussions that consist of asking respectful questions, posing thoughtful responses and identifying places to work together lead to positive, sustainable outcomes.

Romance and politics are not the only places where compromise is challenging. We see it in business as well. We were chatting with someone who witnessed a difficult negotiation. What struck him about the prolonged process was that both sides said they desired compromise, but neither side acted as if they were really interested in it. Their behavior was more about winning at all costs, not remaining open and curious. Rather than seeing the negotiation as a place to find respectful solutions that could be the foundation for future relationships, each side stayed focused on their version of “the truth”. They couldn’t balance opposing views of the world. This led to residual bitterness that may not fade before they come back to the table for future negotiations a few years from now.  

So how do we develop an ability to value both sides of an argument enhancing our capacity to work together?

First, we have to remember a few key concepts.

1. The goal of compromise is not to convince the other person that you are right, but to find solutions that will work for both parties.

2. In true compromise, both parties should feel like they give and gain, not win or lose.

3. The person on the opposite side of the table has rationales for their beliefs and that should be respected.

Next week we will provide some tools to help you stay grounded and centered as you work toward compromise leading to more meaningful solutions.