Barriers to Forgiveness

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In our last blog, we talked about the benefits that forgiveness contributes in building a supportive and productive workplace culture. It creates a vibrant environment while also strengthening the leadership ranks.

Forgiveness or letting go of the emotional hurt attached to someone’s behavior is not an easy action for many of us to take. It can make us feel vulnerable. Every defensive cell in our being can be screaming that we need to hang onto that grudge because it will make us stronger. It is actually quite the opposite. But in order to increase our forgiving capacity and reap the strength that comes from it, we have to understand the things that can get in the way.

Ian Williamson and Marti Gonzales studied what causes people to be hesitant when forgiving. They identified three major barriers to letting go of the emotion attached to a negative experience and ways to move through these hurdles.

Unreadiness: We all know that icky feeling when we believe we have been wronged by someone in our lives. We play the incident over and over again in our heads. That ruminating feeling keeps us stuck in the negativity making it difficult to move on. 

How to overcome Unreadiness: This is when the passage of time is our friend. We need space for the spinning mind to slow down and get some distance from the initial shock. This allows us to start putting the behavior into context, adopt new perspectives and consider next steps.

Self-Protection: Many of us also know this uncertain feeling. You know that you should talk to the person with whom you have had a transgression. As you start to weigh the pros and cons you become fearful that extending a conciliatory hand might result in the person on the receiving end using it as an opportunity to hurt you again. 

How to overcome Self Protection: To overcome this fear you need to feel grounded in the relationship. New boundaries may need to be set through clearly and directly communicating your needs and limits to others. Feeling more confident in the relationship can open up the emotional doors to forgive. 

“Face” Concerns: This barrier focuses on the perceived social consequences that come from forgiving wrongdoing. We can tell ourselves, “If I hold on to this grudge, it makes me look powerful and in control”. This does not cultivate fertile ground for forgiveness.

How to overcome “Face” Concerns: Strengthening your sense of self worth can help bolster your self-respect. This sense of inner integrity smooths the way for you to let go of the hurt. 

Now that you understand the importance of forgiveness in the business world and the barriers that may prevent its implementation you are ready to develop a robust forgiveness practice.

Check out our next two blogs and we will show you how.