Fairy tales always end with “and they lived happily ever after”. What would that mean? Would it mean that the characters lived free of conflict? That every day has no tension at all? That they would never have any misunderstandings? On the face of it, this sounds lovely. In actuality, learning to navigate tense situations helps us grow and more fully appreciate the good times.
In the world of work, bonds of trust and security are cultivated when a team is guided through a stressful situation with respect and dignity. This lays the foundation for greater cohesion and efficiency. One of the keys to managing conflict well is a leader’s ability to manage their own emotions. This can be easier said than done.
When a situation gets tense leaders react based on their emotional wiring and their experience with conflict. When we feel challenged, the emotional center of our brain releases a lot of stress hormones that give us that flight, fight or freeze response.
You know that sensation when your heart rate increases or your voice quivers or all of a sudden your palms feel wet and clammy. In addition to those responses, the problem solving areas of your brain shut down. Your ability to reason, look at alternative perspectives or consider complex decisions becomes impaired. So just when you need to be calm and collected, your body is working against you.
So, in order to effectively lead in times of conflict you have to be able to calm your biological response. Again, easier said than done, but there are ways to bring a more centered you to the fray.
Proactively assess your triggers in a business setting. Are you easily frustrated if challenged? Do you get impatient if people come unprepared? Knowing your triggers allows you to assess the situation and give thought to what frustrating experiences you might encounter. Being able to anticipate potential conflict allows your brain to do some strategizing and respond in a calmer way.
Be attuned to your response. When conflict does arise, recognize that even if you don’t feel it, your brain is reacting to the heightened stress levels. Really give thought about your physical signs of stress. Is it the classic racing heart or sweaty palms? Or maybe it is more subtle like a dry throat or a little brain fuzz. When you are more attuned to the physical signs, it allows you to remind yourself that your logical brain may not be functioning well. This can help you modulate your response and allow you to employ tools to calm your emotional brain.
Acknowledge that it is a natural response. Very often we try to fight or squash these reactions in the work world, trying to “get on with business”. This only makes our brain more anxious and dumps more unhelpful hormones into the mix. When we accept the feeling and understand it is natural, our brain can take its first step toward a more constructive response.
Think about your experience with conflict. If you have had bad experiences in other settings (i.e. a difficult home life, a former hostile work environment, etc.) you want to spend some time reflecting on how this impacts you. When you start to feel your physiological stress response, remind yourself of the current situation you are in rather than responding from old narratives.
Slow things down. Take a deep breath. Deep breathing is one of the fastest and simplest tools you can use to calm the brain. Deep breathing tells your brain that things are okay by increasing oxygen flow and relaxing muscles. If possible, take a break in a meeting to ease the tension or check in with people to be sure you are understanding them correctly. You can also take a pause to write down some notes. These can be notes about what is going on and/or calming affirmations that will help center your emotions and help your logical brain function more effectively.
We can’t change our physiology, but we can give our brain some help in those strained moments. These techniques can help bring you to a calmer place, but you still need to lead your team through the conflict.
Check out our blog next week for an easy to use strategy that will help you stay focused so you can bring your team to a realistic happily ever after ending.
Photo from Getty Images
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