We talked about how ‘happily ever after' doesn't mean your work life is devoid of conflict. In fact, successfully navigating conflict leads to greater team cohesion and productivity. The first step is calming your emotions to bring your executive functioning back on line.
The next step is to successfully guide your team toward solutions. As promised we are going to provide a ready to use leadership tool that will help keep you centered so your team can reap the benefits of effective, respectful conflict resolution. (It isn’t a bad system to use in your personal life as well!)
To illustrate this tool, we are going to explore the world of Goldilocks and the Three Bears.
A story of conflict unresolved.
As a refresher, Goldilocks was a young woman who was trying to find herself. Tired of the constriction of homelife and feeling objectified because of her long golden tresses, she ventures off into the “real world” to find herself. She comes upon an opportunity (aka the 3 Bears home) to explore, spread her wings, and develop new skills (we are totally reframing the breaking and entering/home invasion aspect of the Goldilocks story).
She immerses herself in this opportunity and takes full advantage of all that it has to offer. She finds sustenance and develops her palette for porridge, discovers the perfect ergonomic chair and finally carves out some personal wellness time at the end of her day by finding the bed that is just right for some much needed decompression time.
From her perspective, she has really pushed herself toward personal growth. She has moved way out of her comfort zone trying lots of new things. She has had some successes and failures and feels settled into a new cultural experience.
Then the Bears come home and let's just say they do not have the same perspective.
From their perspective, boundaries had been violated, resources had been plundered and there was a serious lack of communication.
Conflict ensues.
They respond impulsively by scaring the heck out of Goldilocks, sending her running from their home, potentially missing out on a valuable diversity, equity and inclusion experience of developing a cross species relationship.
If the Bears came to G2 Solutions to get guidance on how to approach this complex problem, we would have suggested employing a strategy developed by Jeremy Pollock, a conflict resolution expert. It helps leaders effectively guide their employees through conflict in a way that leaves everyone feeling valued. Because our brains don’t function well under stress, he suggests using the simple acronym, LEAD, to focus on the essential elements of good conflict resolution.
LISTEN
This can be hard if emotions are flying around the room. In conflict, people are often focused on what they want to say next. Take a deep breath and really listen to what is being said. Not just the facts, but listen for patterns or underlying reasons for why the person is upset. It may be helpful to take notes and check in for understanding to make sure you are getting it right.
EMPATHIZE
This is the time to try and put yourself in the other person's shoes. It does not mean that you necessarily agree with them, but you are working to really connect with why they are feeling the way they are.
ACKNOWLEDGE/APOLOGIZE
The first two actions have been internal, now is the time to demonstrate your understanding. It is important to make the person feel acknowledged. To recognize and validate that you understand them. People can handle not being agreed with, but if they don’t feel heard, they will become instantly frustrated and conflict can escalate.
If you had a part in the issue, then apologizing for that can go a long way. It has to be sincere and specific about your actions, not about theirs. So “I am sorry that I didn’t take into account that reading that in an email would come across as insensitive” is very different from “I am sorry you felt that way”. The latter can come across as invalidating their emotions and not seeing your part which can further escalate the situation.
DO SOMETHING
Now you can move onto solutions. If the first three steps have gone according to plan, calmer heads will prevail and be able to think logically and productively. Problem solve together and develop an action plan. Ask for their input and be open to ideas outside of your own. In the cases where you may have limited options, provide as much context as possible while validating that this is not the solution the employee was looking for.
How would this translate for Mister, Missus and Baby Bear?
Listen
It is highly unusual to find a human in a bear's bed. After working with G2 Solutions, the Bears would understand that taking a deep breath and hearing Goldi out would give them a fuller understanding of the situation and model for Baby Bear an inclusive, supportive family culture.
Empathize
The bears have every right to be mad, but listening to her story, they might be able to understand that Goldilocks felt trapped in a paternalistic fairy tale culture and was looking for a way out.
Acknowledge/Apologize
They could acknowledge that Goldilocks must be holding onto a lot of frustration and that their peaceful hideaway separate from the fairy tale world (well sort of, they are talking bears after all) would seem like a good place to find herself. As far as apologizing, a talking bear would be a startling affair, so they could apologize for scaring her in any way.
Do Something
The bears being more mature and thoughtful creatures than Goldilocks could explain that just doing what you want is no way to handle a life crisis. They could express openness for a new start and outline some ways to move forward. Working collaboratively might lead to a plan for how Goldilocks could rebuild trust by straightening up the kitchen, fixing the chair and making the beds. They could also work on creating healthy boundaries like knock before you enter or ask before taking something. These actions could lay the foundation for a more healthy, productive relationship.
So the next time you are leading your team through a stressful situation, remember Goldilocks and the Three Bears and how LEAD helped them create their own happily ever after.
Original Art by Kerry Darlington
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